Is Your Relationship Vulnerable to an Emotional Affair? What You Can Do Now!

*Post updated October 2023

An emotional affair is a highly-charged emotional relationship with someone other than your partner. It may begin as a harmless, platonic friendship. But, crosses the line when a deeper bond forms.

Signs of an Emotional Affair

There are several obvious signs of an emotional affair:

• Frequently communicating with and confiding in another person
• Hiding it from your spouse/partner
• Complaining about your current relationship
• There is a mutual attraction or underlying sexual chemistry
• Feeling guilty

However, there are other, more subtle signs, that an emotional affair has begun.

Subtle Signs of an Emotional Affair

• You think of the person often, even when you’re with your spouse.
• You send flirty texts, messages, or emails.
• You buy them personal gifts.
• You share feelings with that person instead of your partner.
• You dress differently for that person.
• You find ways to spend time together.
• You hide the amount of time you’re spending with the person.
• You crave the emotional high that comes with the relationship.
• You hide your feelings for that person from your spouse.
• You get defensive and angry when your spouse suggests you’re getting too involved with this person.
• You fantasize about being in a relationship with the other person.
• You begin to see this other person as being superior to your spouse.

Cheating or Not?

When someone is having in an emotional affair, there is an intent to deceive. And, the secrecy and denial surrounding an emotional affair creates pain and distance between two people. And, due to the popularity of social media and our preoccupation with our phones, it’s easy conceal an emotional affair.

When you invest time and energy in a person other than your partner, it crosses a line. Cheating can occur without a sexual relationship. And, although some may argue that an emotional affair is harmless, most experts agree that it is infidelity.

Is Your Relationship Vulnerable to an Emotional Affair?

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Why People Have Emotional Affairs

1. A Need for Emotional Connection

Being in a long-term relationship takes effort. And, no matter how strong your bond is there will be ups and downs. Loneliness can creep into a relationship when emotional needs aren’t being met.

A sense of disconnection from your partner can happen for a number of reasons, including lack of communication. Or, life may get so busy that time together has become more functional than loving and romantic.

So, if you’re trying to communicate with your partner, but they shut down or change the subject, this will leave you vulnerable. And, the opposite is true as well. Feeling disconnected may cause you or your partner to seek out someone who is more capable of emotional intimacy. And when you drift apart, cheating can feel new and exciting.

2. Low Self-Esteem

Some people need constant emotional and physical attention due to self-esteem issues. Therefore, they seek validation outside of their relationship.

In this case, the emotional, or physical infidelity, will continue until this person resolves their feelings of low self-worth.

3. Narcissistic Personality Disorder 

Narcissists don’t just want to be admired, they want to be adored! Compliments fuel their ego. So, if a narcissist isn’t being showered with praise, they can get angry and become vindictive.

This personality type believes that relationships are about power, so it’s impossible to have honest communication. And, empathy is a challenge for narcissists because they aren’t able see beyond their own needs.

A person with a narcissistic personality disorder cannot be satisfied with the attention of just one person. So, they will constantly seek out people to impress. And, for those willing to play along, the narcissist will cross the line into an emotional affair quickly. A narcissist often has several emotional affairs going on at the same time.

4. Avoidance

The relationship or marriage is over, at least in the eyes of one partner. However, they are too afraid to leave. Looking bad in the eyes of other people, fear of being alone, an unwillingness to change and financial constraints/concerns can paralyze them.

Cheating seems so much easier than dealing with the problems in their marriage. And, having an emotional affair can be the crutch they need.

But, bringing another person into a dysfunctional relationship creates confusion and takes the focus off of the truth. In this way, can blame the other for jealous or unreasonable behavior and don’t have to take responsibility for ending the relationship or being the “bad guy”.

Stop an Emotional Affair Before it Starts

The best thing you can do is to start talking! If you’re the one going outside of the relationship, tell your partner about the texts from a co-worker or friend. Don’t hold back or keep the your interactions private.

A friendly flirtation can quickly become an emotional affair. And, this will happen if you hide the contact in your phone, text frequently, or meet outside of work.

If you’re in a committed partnership, and believe you are crossing a line, think about your intentions. Only you know what is driving your behavior. And, it’s up to you to stop the emotional affair before it’s too late.

Secrecy

Increasing secrecy is a huge red flag. Feeling heard and having another person understand you on the soul level can be alluring.

But, you can reignite passion, both emotionally and physically, in your own relationship with some effort. And, this is important if you want to continue to have a loving partner throughout your lifetime.

The Grass is Not Greener

How many times have you heard the cliché, “The grass is always greener on the other side?” People who have this attitude will struggle with commitment.

This stems from the fantasy that there is always something more wonderful out there and they are missing out.

In reality, the grass is greener syndrome comes from self-doubt. So rather than enjoying the stability, security, and satisfaction their relationship brings, there’s an underlying feeling that is there is something better somewhere else.

The problem with the grass is greener theory is that it’s based on fantasy and fear. And, the fear stems from the notion of being trapped in a relationship.

For people who fear commitment, making compromises for the sake of the relationship can feel like a sacrifice. When this happens, they convince themselves that a new relationship will allow them to have everything they want, crave and value. And, they mistakenly believe that this can all happen on their terms.

Foolproof Your Relationship

All romantic relationships begin with a spark of attraction, or chemistry. However, sustaining a healthy, long-term relationship is an active and on-going process.

Both partners have to be willing to keep the lines of communication open, do things together, and respect the boundaries of their partnership.

You can affair-proof your relationship by refocusing on your partner. Start by rebuilding a foundation of friendship, trust and honesty. And, make time for physical intimacy, as well.

Strategies that Work

Here are some effective ways to protect marriage from an emotional affair.

• Spend time doing activities you both enjoy.
• Plan date nights and keep the romance alive.
• Have fun together.
• Don’t let grievances build up.
• Work on communication skills to solve problems together.
• Talk to each other! Discuss practical things, plan for the future, and share your feelings.
• Support each other in every way.
• Show mutual respect.
• Admit when you’re wrong, and be willing to apologize.

Many people who find themselves in an emotional affair didn’t seek it out. It was the result of being vulnerable. In hindsight, they can see the “danger signs” they ignored along the way. And, if they were more careful, they could’ve prevented it from becoming a full blown emotional affair.

Healing

You can recover from an emotional affair and even stop it before it happens with some effort and communication. However, both parties must have the same goal and be willing to put in the work.

A long-term loving marriage or relationship takes honesty, patience, and compromise. But, it can be the most rewarding relationship of your life!

Have you ever had an emotional affair? Or, are you concerned that your partner is involved in an emotional affair? Feel free to share your experiences or questions below and let’s get the conversation started.

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