Getting Divorced Saved My Life: 5 Things I Learned

*Updated July 2024

Getting divorced saved my life in some surprising ways. Looking back, it’s clear to me that the relationship was not going to work. Although I truly wanted to have a healthy, loving relationship, I now know that I wasn’t in the right emotional space to attract the perfect partner. As a result, I attracted a codependent person with a narcissistic personality disorder, although I wasn’t able to see that at the time.

Self Esteem

Healthy self esteem is key in developing a successful partnership. And, as someone with codependent tendencies (although I didn’t know it then), my focus should have been doing important inner work. Instead, I brushed aside the nagging feeling that something wasn’t quite right, and rationalized that:

• It was “time” to get married.
• No marriage is perfect.
• Nobody gets everything they want in a partner.
• I wanted children, so it was “now or never”.
• I thought I could work things out.

And, although a marriage requires commitment, patience, and some give and take, you shouldn’t compromise your values or lower your expectations. So, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the relationship ended in divorce. But, the truth is that as difficult as it was, it was the experience I needed at the time.

The Universe always gives you exactly what you need for the evolution of your soul, even though it may not feel good in the moment.

Fast forward to today, I’m so grateful for my wonderful life, especially my healthy, inspiring, and loving marriage. And I know without a doubt, that if I hadn’t gone through that unsettled time, I’d never be where I am now!

Getting Divorced Saved My Life: 5 Major Things I Learned!

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The Divorce Lesson

Getting divorced taught me that our most difficult challenges can lead to our greatest blessings if we let them. But, we don’t often see it this way. When something doesn’t go as planned, we fight it.

For instance, we’re quick to label anything that doesn’t feel good in the moment as “bad”. Therefore, we fight against what is. And, this resistance makes us suffer and keeps us feeling stuck.

And, although it can sometimes feel impossible to find the good in a situation, if you dig deep enough you can use every painful experience to grow and evolve into a stronger version of you and build emotional resilience.

Accepting any negative situation can be difficult and challenging. So, allow yourself time to process through your emotions. But, don’t get stuck there.

When you finally find acceptance, you will be an expanded, more resilient person. And, who knows? Your life may head off in an entirely new and wonderful direction.

What Now?

After getting divorced, I discovered that codependence was at the root of my relationship issues. Therefore, if I wanted to move forward in a healthy way, I had some work to do. It was time to redefine myself, set new goals, and create a plan of action!

So, I went inward and asked myself a few big life questions:

• What did my ideal life look like?
• How could I get there?
• Which lessons did I have to learn in order to create that life?
• Who did I need to become?

Then, I went on a mission to find the answers.

Personal Development Books

I began my journey by devouring personal development books. They gave me the inspiration I needed after my divorce. Each book taught me something different. And, this new insight gave me the courage to create a strong foundation essential to building this next chapter of my life. Below are three of the books that had the most profound effect on me.

• You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay, strengthened my sense of self.
• The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho, gave me courage and reminded me to dream again.
• The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle’s groundbreaking book, transformed the way I lived.

Getting Divorced Saved My Life

But, before I could truly move forward, I had to figure out what went wrong.

1. I gave people the benefit of the doubt.

I was taught as a child to give people the benefit of the doubt. And, if you’re in midlife like me, you may have been taught the same. However, nowadays, there is no reason to give people this much credit without a history of trustworthy behavior.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Always hold people accountable for what they do, without exception. And, if someone doesn’t treat you like the amazing, beautiful person that you are, it’s time to examine why you’re allowing it.

For instance, don’t wait for them to repeat the bad behavior, or drag you down with them, for you to realize that they are showing you exactly what to expect from them. They will not change, so don’t waste your precious time trying to make them.

“Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.”

Mandy Hale

2. I followed the crowd.

We are all part of a collective consciousness. And, to varying degrees, we are pressured to follow the norms of the society. As a result, I thought it was “time” to get married, buy a house, and have children. And, this is one factor that contributed to me getting divorced. However, now I forge my own path regardless of societal pressures, expectations, or someone else’s timeline.

So, define who you are separate from the crowd. Participate in activities that speak to you regardless of what anyone thinks. For instance, I now choose to indulge in my passions like history, writing, meditating, and yoga. I do more of what feels good to me, so I’m able to show up as the best version of myself for everyone in my life. And, I attract like-minded people into my inner circle.

3. I had limiting beliefs.

Limiting beliefs play a major role in your life. And, they can hold you back from living the life you truly desire. You can easily identify these limiting beliefs by listening to the negative voice in your head reminding you of what you can’t do.

Your thoughts have power and they lay the foundation of your reality. They can prevent you from taking a risk out of fear of failure. So, it’s worthwhile to identify your limiting beliefs and face your insecurities head-on! If not, your self-esteem will suffer and you’ll continue to settle for less than you deserve.

The Universe is always listening and giving you experiences that match how you feel about yourself. Therefore, everything that shows up in your life is a result of what you think, feel, and say. And, most of these thoughts and behaviors are repetitive.

By identifying these negative, limiting beliefs you have about yourself, you can work to change and overcome them. Luckily, I finally came to realize that these beliefs had nothing to do with who I truly was. I now know that my potential is unlimited and I am perfect just the way I am!

4. I was not clear about what I wanted.

Getting crystal clear about what you want is the first step in creating the life you envision for yourself. And, visualization is a powerful activity, based in neuroscience, that you can use to affect positive change.

So, spend time deciding what your perfect life looks like and define your goals! Ask for what you want and visualize your ideal life everyday. Finally, repeat personal positive affirmations that support your specific wants and needs. You have to first feel like that person who has it all before you can attract it into your life.

Now, I know what I want and I stay focused on my goals. I write them down in my journal and I’m confident that I already have everything I could ask for! I stay in the receiving mode to bring my desires into my reality.

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive.” 

Maya Angelou

5. I didn’t spend my time wisely.

Unfortunately, I wasted time doing things that didn’t help me to take my life to the next level. So, I started saying no more often. And, I distanced myself from people who didn’t have my best interests at heart. In other words, I set boundaries. Finally, it was time to invest in me!

As a result of getting divorced, I was able to pursue my own passions more fully. And, although I’ve never been afraid to be alone, being on my own suddenly became a deeper, richer experience.

Instead of doing things to escape reality, I began participating in activities that would elevate my life. Yoga class became my happy place. I spent Friday nights in the self-help section of the local bookstore. Soon, I started feeling lighter and happier.

What activities make you feel most like you and bring you joy? These are the things that speak to your soul. And, when you’re in the flow of doing what you love, you create a high frequency vibration. This inspires a chain reaction and attracts other good things to you!

Reinvent Yourself

Over time, I learned to honor my internal voice. As a result, a new, more confident me began to emerge. Fast forward to today, I have a joyful, fulfilling and abundant life. And, I have an amazing husband who is my best friend and loves me unconditionally.

Your ideal life situation may look different, but only you have the power to create the life you envision for yourself. And, with insight, it’s easier to create your perfect life than you think!

“If you look at what you have in life, you’ll always have more.”

Oprah Winfrey

It’s All You!

It’s important to make purposeful life changes after getting divorced. It may take time and patience to fill in some of the underlying foundational cracks that create disharmony in your life, but you can do it!

Have you gone through a divorce? What were some of the lessons that you learned from that experience? Share your story in the comment section below!

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Disclosure: Melissa Damiani is a participant in the Routine Probiotic Affiliate Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to merchant, and the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking amazon.com. Although I only promote products that I love, use, and have confidence in, always do your own research before purchasing any product or service. Read my disclaimer here.