5 Ways to Set Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationships Now!

*Updated August 2024

Learn to set healthy boundaries in relationships and build your self-esteem while upgrading the quality of your life. If you find that you are struggling with significant relationships, this might just be the shift you need.

When you set healthy boundaries, you build the necessary foundation to support well-balanced relationships built on trust and mutual respect. In order to do this, it’s essential that you can identify reasonable, safe, and acceptable ways for other people to treat you.

However, if you don’t trust your instincts, or even know what you need from a partner, this can be hard to do! That’s why people with codependent personalities often struggle in relationships. So, it’s understandable that when you begin this process some questions may bubble to the surface:

• If I have difficulty creating boundaries, does that mean I have low self-esteem?
• How can I develop self-esteem?
• I’m in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect my boundaries. What can I do?
• Why am I scared to lose my partner even when he/she doesn’t respect my feelings?
• Why am I afraid to be alone?

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships

In order to unpack some of these questions, let’s take a look at the differences between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship.

Why Don’t I Set Boundaries?

Setting healthy boundaries in a relationship does not come naturally, it has to be taught. And, you were supposed to learn how to effectively create boundaries in in childhood. Your parents and other significant adults in your life were responsible for teaching you what appropriate boundaries look like and how to cultivate them in relationships.

Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, this may not have happened. And, although it can be challenging to retrain your brain and learn how to connect to self, boundaries are an essential to functional relationships.

So, a few things key things have to happen before you can do this:

• Take time to define your personal boundaries. And, be aware that people have different boundaries, and that’s okay. (You don’t need to explain yourself if yours look different.)
• In a romantic relationships, both partners must clearly communicate their boundaries.
• Both parties must respect those boundaries and not cross them.
• If a boundary has been crossed, it’s your responsibly to speak up.

5 Ways to Set Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationships Now!

As an affiliate I earn from qualifying products.

Self-Esteem

Improving self-esteem takes work, but it’s essential for a happy, healthy, and drama-free life. One effective way to develop self-esteem is to observe your thoughts. Are they rational and based on reason, or are they irrational and based on misconceptions?

Admittedly, it can be hard to recognize inaccuracies in your thinking because of the limiting beliefs you may have internalized throughout your life. In addition, you may not even trust your own feelings at this stage of the process. So, be kind and patient with yourself. It will take time to untangle false perceptions and rewire your brain to finally get to the truth of who you are and what you truly need to be happy.

Resources:

• To learn if you have low self-esteem, click here.
• To learn how to re-parent your inner child to build self-esteem, click here.
• To learn more about limiting beliefs, click here.

5 Ways to Set Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries establish the basic guidelines of how you want to be treated. Here are five ways to successfully set boundaries in all your relationships.

1. Understand Why You Need Boundaries

If your current relationship is not built on a foundation of mutual respect, there are probably patterns that you’ve identified as unhealthy or dysfunctional. These are the experiences that make you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or not respected. They also destroy your self confidence and lower your self-esteem. So, it’s crucial that you bring them out into the open. This requires that you communicate your needs as an equal partner in the relationship.

Although it may take time to articulate, deep down you know what is important to you and how you want to conduct your life. And for this to happen, you need to learn to trust your intuition. With practice, you will come into full alignment with your value system and be able to share that effectively with others.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”

Brene Brown

2. Know When to Set a Boundary

When something happens to make you feel angry, frustrated, or disrespected, you’ll know immediately that a line has been crossed. And, it’s important to convey that information to your partner clearly and directly.

But, before you react, stop and observe the situation objectively. Do not engage immediately while your emotions are running high. If your feelings are not under control, you will only perpetuate the unhealthy cycle you’re trying to break . And, this is especially true if you are dealing with a narcissist who will readily use your feelings against you.

Emotional Check Up

Now, notice how you feel. What’s happening to you physically? Is your heart pounding? Or, do you feel adrenaline rushing through your body? Accept whatever you’re experiencing in the moment and stay present. Breathe slowly and deeply until you can bring yourself back to your center.

When you are ready, calmly communicate your feelings confidently and directly. You will be immeasurably more effective when you respond to the situation consciously and with purpose.

Take Notice

If your partner is not truly interested in making healthy changes, any attempt to assert yourself will cause them to deny, blame you, or accuse you of being irrational, jealous, and even crazy. This is called gaslighting and it is a common tactic a partner may use to manipulate you or maintain control of the relationship. But, it’s also the perfect opportunity for you to gather information and make informed decisions about your partner.

More importantly, it’s how you learn whether or not you can even have a fully functional, loving relationship with this person. But also understand that you’re changing the dynamic of the relationship. And, this can be difficult, or even scary, for your partner in the beginning stages.

However, if the conversation isn’t one that is based on mutual respect, simply disengage for now. There is no point in getting dragged into a situation in which your partner isn’t open to listening to you or validating your concerns. It will be more productive to discuss the issue at a later time when both parties are willing to engage with compassion.

3. Set the Boundary

Now, it’s time to set the boundary. Be firm, rational, and even-tempered. When you state a need as a matter-of-fact, it’s much more effective than asking, pleading, or getting angry. And, if you ask why someone isn’t doing something, you open yourself up to criticism and make yourself an easy target.

Instead, use sentence starters like:

• Right now I’m feeling…
• It makes me uncomfortable when…
• It’s important to me that…
• I’d like you to work on how you show up for me when…

Learning how to honor your truth is the greatest gift you can give yourself. No matter what you are feeling, your emotions are valid and deserve to be respected. And, it will be important to let your partner know your expectations from this point forward.

4. Don’t react

It’s critical not to react to the other person’s response, especially in the same way you typically do because you are trying to establish healthy boundaries. This might be difficult, but you can do it. Keep in mind that your partner may get angry and try to minimize your feelings. They may also use your triggers against you.

No matter what happens, remain calm. Create space by becoming the observer of the situation and looking at it objectively. Silently reaffirm that your feelings are valid and your expectations are reasonable. Don’t continue explaining to make you point. You will only make yourself vulnerable to insults.

Your agenda is not to make anyone agree with you, it’s to hold onto self and build self-esteem. So stand firm in your resolve for a better relationship and a happier future!

“Do not justify, apologize for, or rationalize the healthy boundary you are setting. Do not argue. Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.”

Crystal Andrus

5. Don’t Attach to the Outcome

Now that you’re showing up in the relationship in a brand new way, your partner may not like it if they are used to being in control. Be prepared for things to get worse before they get better. It’s just life’s way of realigning you to your personal truth and creating the space for better things to come!

In a healthy relationship, the other person will want to respect your boundaries. However, this new dynamic might rock the boat. Your partner may initially react negatively, even if they ultimately want to be there for you. Remind yourself that this is to be expected and change takes time.

Also, know that you are in no way responsible their happiness. However, if you’re codependent, you may be tempted to rush in and save the other person, even at your own expense. But, don’t fall back into this familiar pattern! Do things differently this time. The best reaction is no reaction at all; let go and allow things to unfold. By committing to this process, you are honoring yourself and raising your self-esteem.

Shifting Energy

This process of change is a lot to go through because it’s not just about setting boundaries. You’re also learning what you need and you’re building self-esteem. And, all of this is happening at the same time. This is a huge energy shift in your life and an exciting time of self-discovery. So, channel your inner warrior and go for it!

Please let me know what you think of these steps and how they are working for you. Every time I receive a comment or question, it keeps me inspired and helps me provide value to my readers. Comment below and get the conversation started!

If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe and share with friends! And, be sure to follow us on Pinterest, Facebook, and Instagram. Let’s take this journey together! Your support is greatly appreciated!

Disclosure: Melissa Damiani is a participant in the Routine Probiotics Program an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to merchant, and the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking amazon.com. Although I only promote products that I love, use, and have confidence in, always do your own research before purchasing any product or service. Read my disclaimer here.