3 Ways to Learn How to Trust Your Feelings as a Recovering Codependent

*Updated August 2024

Can you really learn how to trust your feelings as a recovering codependent? The short answer is yes, you absolutely can! Codependency is difficult to overcome because codependent traits have actually become part of your personality. But, when you learn to identify them, you can break the cycle of codependency and go on to live an empowered life. Then, you are free to make new choices and build healthy relationships.

Am I Codependent?

If you struggle to create a healthy balance in your relationships, you may be have a codependent personality. So, how can you identify codependent personality traits?

A codependent person doesn’t have a connection to self, so they struggle to develop and nurture healthy relationships with others. And, they make decisions that pull them away from their personal truth. This causes them to form attachments with people who don’t share their value system.

If you are codependent, you put more importance on what someone else thinks instead of honoring your own voice. Without realizing it, you give other people too much power over how you feel. You may look for permission to make decisions, or even to have your own feelings! Codependent people also frequently seek advice from others because they don’t trust their intuition.

However, the story doesn’t have to end there. Once you recognize codependent behaviors, you can learn the skills you need to have healthy, successful relationships.

3 Ways to Learn How to Trust Your Feelings as a Recovering Codependent

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Causes of Codependent Behavior

Codependency can develop in a number of ways. You don’t have to be overtly abused or neglected in childhood to become codependent.

However, you may have learned from a trusted adult that your feelings did not matter due to some dysfunction in the family unit. And, if you didn’t go along with the others, you risked losing their love and acceptance which is essential to healthy development. As a result, you repressed your emotions and accepted that you were less important, or not worthy of having your feelings validated.

For instance, a highly sensitive child may be singled out for being, “too sensitive”. In this way, they are taught that their feelings are wrong. Unfortunately, they come to believe that they can’t trust their inner voice. They may also have difficulty forming authentic bonds with people later in life which can cause low self-esteem.

Validation and Development

When you’re young, it’s impossible to separate yourself from your emotions. At that early stage of life, you essentially are your emotions. Therefore, it is confusing and painful to have your feelings ignored, minimized, or mocked.

And, when your feelings aren’t honored, you come to believe that you are unworthy of love. This impairs your ability to form a healthy relationship with self. As a result, you learned not to trust your own inner guidance system. And, this can lead to some significant struggles as an adult. For instance,

• You may not have learned how to set boundaries.
• You may put other people’s feelings before your own.
• You continuously try to prove your worth.
• You question yourself and your feelings.
• You feel confused in relationships.
• You have relationships with people who don’t truly value you.
• You settle for relationships that aren’t giving you what you need and want.
• You seek advice often.

Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem leads to codependency. And, this combination will cause problems in every area of your life. In order to learn how to trust your feelings, you have to understand why you are codependent. Here are some experiences that harm your self-esteem:

• You were abused or neglected.
• Your feelings were minimized.
• You were mocked for your feelings, often being called too sensitive.
• Your feelings weren’t as important as other people’s.
• You didn’t have at least one adult to validate your feelings and sense of worthiness.
• You were the scapegoat of the family.

HSP and Empaths

Unfortunately, highly sensitive people (HSP) and empaths often struggle with low self-esteem and codependency. That’s because they are frequently called too sensitive by family members, or even mocked for their sensitivity. This creates pain and suffering for the HSP or empath. And, it can take years to unravel the damage done in childhood.

HSP and empaths already feel different because they are deeply sensitive to the world around them. And, trying to navigate these big feelings as a child can be overwhelming in itself. So, lack of support, and even rejection, from family members can be devastating and have lasting effects.

However, with maturity and knowledge, this personality type has the potential to thrive. Many empaths eventually learn to embrace their uniqueness and find ways to share their gift of empathy with the world.

Codependent Behaviors

So, what are some of the common behaviors that indicate a codependent personality?

1. You marginalize or ignore your feelings. 

Children who were abused, neglected, or had emotionally unavailable parents, learn to suppress their feelings as a means of survival. However, when you try to suppress your emotions they will intensify, resulting in feelings of low self-esteem.

Repressing your emotions will also diminish your ability to understand them. As a result, you lose connection to your personal truth. And, this is at the root of codependent behaviors.

2. You get triggered by old wounds from the past (sometimes without even realizing it).

Instead of learning how to cultivate a healthy self-concept, you carry feelings of shame and guilt. These emotions will linger under the surface long after the event that caused them. And, this will intensify your reaction to a seemingly insignificant exchange.

For instance, when something happens in the present that resembles a past experience, it can cause the unresolved pain to come rushing back. Therefore, you overreact in situations that trigger your unhealed wounds.

So, if your boss doesn’t value your contribution at a meeting, it can bring you right back to feelings of helplessness you experienced as a child. And, you can quickly become angry or resentful. Unfortunately, in the moment, you don’t realize that the intensity of your emotions is rooted in past experiences.

Codependency and Narcissism

Dysfunction and abuse may actually feel normal if you are codependent. This makes it extremely difficult for you to spot dangerous people and situations before the harm is done. As a result, codependency leaves you vulnerable to people who will take advantage of your kindness and exploit your insecurities.

Quite often, codependents attract person with narcissistic personality disorder people who prey on their need for validation. However, getting entangled in a relationship with a narcissist will leave you confused, depressed, and even questioning your own sanity.

3 Ways to Learn How to Trust Your Feelings

If you are codependent, you have been conditioned to care more about what other people think than how you feel. And, you lack the ability to set healthy boundaries. So, it’s up to you to cultivate the skills you need in order to move forward with confidence.

1. Write Down Your Feelings

Journaling is an effective tool to help you productively work through your feelings. That’s because you are better able to understand your emotions when you write about them. A journal will also give you something concrete to look back at when you are doubting yourself. Here are some questions to consider:

• My word of the day is __________.
• Today I woke up feeling __________.
• What in my life am I excited about?
• What do I love about my life right now?
• What is one thing I need to change?
• What is something that has been bothering me?
• What would I like to stop worrying about and what action steps do I need to take to do that?
• What do I need to hear from myself that I’ve been avoiding?
• Do I trust my intuition and decision-making skills? What do I need to do to be more confident in this area?
• Am I sabotaging myself in any area of my life?
• How do I feel about my relationships?
• Am I relying too heavily on my comfort zone?
• Am I living a life aligned with my values?

2. Nurture a Relationship with Self

As a codependent person, you will most likely have a hard time accepting the idea that you can’t change another person. For instance, a codependent person will hold onto the belief that if they say or do the right things, their partner will finally see them for who they truly are and give them what they need.

Unfortunately, your partner may not have any intention of making healthy changes in the relationship. They may not even have the capacity or emotional intelligence to do so.

Moreover, your partner has never truly had to face the consequences of their behavior. So, if you’ve been putting aside your own needs, or enabling your partner, they may have never developed the skills to be there for you in a healthy way.

Once you realize this, you can take actions steps to nurture a relationship with yourself and build self-confidence. The most effective way to do this is to go inward. Activities like meditation, yoga, walking in nature, or just doing something you’re passionate about, are all wonderful ways to create a path back to self.

“The most important relationship we can all have is the one you have with yourself. The most important journey you can take is one of self-discovery. To know yourself, you must spend time with yourself, you must not be afraid to be alone. Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”

Aristotle

3. Identify Fact versus Emotion

It can be useful to think about factual evidence of trust in your relationship, especially when you have a partner or family member who tries to gaslight you. Codependent people are particularly vulnerable to this type of manipulation.

According to Medical News Today, “Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which a person or group causes someone to question their own sanity, memories, or perception of reality. People who experience gaslighting may feel confused, anxious, or as though they cannot trust themselves.”

Therefore, ask yourself the following questions:

• What evidence do I have that my partner wants to make me feel cared for, appreciated, and secure?
• When I express a need to my partner, how do they react?
• Do I feel safe and heard when I tell my partner my feelings?
• Can I count on my partner to always “have my back”, especially when we’re not together?
• How do I feel when I spend time with my partner?
• Am I getting the same love, attention, and consideration from my partner that I give to him or her?

As a codependent person, you might be in a relationship with someone who will use your insecurities against you. Quite often, they cause drama and hostility between you and your family and friends, separating you from your support system.

This behavior is common for a person who displays a narcissistic personality disorder. Unfortunately, this will cause even more damage to your self esteem and reinforce your low self-worth, leave you feeling sad, frustrated, and emotionally isolated.

However, by employing the key questions above, you can identify the true nature of your relationship. Use them as a guiding light to support you in making the right choices for a happy, healthy life!

Life After Codependency

The good news is that you can recover from codependency and move forward with confidence at any time. But, now is not the time to make quick decisions or big life changes that you may come to regret later.

Your only job right now is to re-connect to self, learn how to trust your inner voice, establish healthy boundaries with others, and build confidence. This may take time, but it will be worth the effort!

Learning to truly honor and trust your feelings is a process. So, when you begin this journey of overcoming codependency, things may get worse before they get better. This is simply the Universe realigning your life to make way for something much better.

A therapist or life coach can teach you how to identify and change the behaviors that keep you stuck in codependency. They will give you the skills you need in order to truly learn how to cultivate healthy relationships. Be sure to always consult a mental health professional when dealing with trauma or depression.

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